Damn Polly and her cracker lust

The best thing about parrots is their preternatural memory for simple phrases.

The worst thing about parrots is their preternatural memory for simple phrases. And their weakness for showing off.

I, Ezekiel Smith, am here to tell you that there is nothing cute about being partnered with a yappy avian that tells everyone with a gentle hand about all your secret codes and assignation spots. Not when it results it forces you to jump off a gunrunning vessel into the icy Arctic waters.

This is not the bird with which I have such a dire history. There is a family resemblance, however. I will not be keeping this specimen. He would, however, make an ideal gift for a prying law-enforcement man I know of in Frankfort. Yes, when life gives one parrots, one is best off converting them into parrot-ade.

I also believe that children are the future

Yes, a baby born today is a boy or girl who will come of age in the new Eden. The grander, sweeter future that will be brought about by one Ezekiel "Snuffy" Smith and his minions. Yes, the citizens of the world that will be. In a way, they are the reason I get up in the morning. The reason Jörg... Excuse me, the reason "Jughaid" and I spend all that father-son time hacking into weather satellites.

So yes, when I heard that the Wiggins family had brought forth new life, I was excited. And not just because Alvin's wife has always struck me as a paragon of barrenness. No, I thought these youngling's deserved to be greeted by the man who will humbly shape their world.

Instead? Birds. And not real birds, either. Rather, it was three wren-like automata that I had assembled myself as a post-graduate project. (Not the entire project, of course.)

Well, the rest of the day I spent in a foul (not a fowl) temper. Luisa's skills as a masseuse, courtesan, and knife-thrower were certainly needed that night.