Well, "trout" is one descriptor, certainly. Perhaps not the most accurate, but it will do. Saves us the effort of saying "homeostatic fish hybrid with ultraviolet vision and the intelligence of a Tulane graduate student." That's one particular graduate student, a doctoral candidate who volunteered for the experiment for a laugh. I'm assuming he got it.

As to "the one that got away" why yes, it did. And as it escaped, it looked to be in a mood to settle scores with all our race. This should upset me, as the--ahem--trout's rebelliousness is a reminder that I lost control of the game, if only for a few minutes. But the presence of this piscine schemer complicates and fruetrates all plans, not just my own. So hesh up, boy.

A revelation on the dinner table

Oh, the poor naive lamb of a minister!

He must have thought he was dining--had dined--on the ill-got gains of my barn raids. Ah, not this time. No, this bird was born and raised on my property. Although its parents may have come from elsewhere.

Well, that's a certainty, in the case of the "father." And "bird" might not be strictly speaking the right term either. But the taste is essentially that of chicken, with a twist.

Is there a law against crossbreeding ground fowl with octopi? Let's just say that a dozen or so corporations wince to know that I beat them to the punch on this discovery. Let us also say that they are not above using the USDA as a stalking horse.

Yes, eat up, Parson. Me, I've got to go dispose of some feathery ink sacs.

Yes, about the fish...

A forceful denial is required. It is absolutely untrue that I--or anyone in my employ--laces the county's fish and game birds with mind controlling substances. I have moral standards, although they are not immediately apparent to the layman. And while the citizens of Hootin' Holler do--unlike bass and chickens--have functioning minds, my sense is that controlling these minds would prove more trouble than it is worth.

Now, powerful halluninogens are another story. On occasion, these elixirs may find their way into the food supply. Not en masse, but enough to trigger "mystical" insights in some. One should never underestimate a hillbilly on a vision quest.