Monday, January 26, 2009

Well, "trout" is one descriptor, certainly. Perhaps not the most accurate, but it will do. Saves us the effort of saying "homeostatic fish hybrid with ultraviolet vision and the intelligence of a Tulane graduate student." That's one particular graduate student, a doctoral candidate who volunteered for the experiment for a laugh. I'm assuming he got it.

As to "the one that got away" why yes, it did. And as it escaped, it looked to be in a mood to settle scores with all our race. This should upset me, as the--ahem--trout's rebelliousness is a reminder that I lost control of the game, if only for a few minutes. But the presence of this piscine schemer complicates and fruetrates all plans, not just my own. So hesh up, boy.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The past is not truly past


Would the kindly agent of the county's law be referring to Christopher Deacon "Deke" Farnam? He of the nine toes and two faces?

Oh yes, I know Farnam well. We were both traveling with some Caucasian tribesmen, routine stuff. They needed skilled labor for alunite extraction, we needed money. Well, Deke also enhanced his income by taking part in the opium market. His choice, of course, except that someone tipped the Russian authorities off and led them to me.

I'll say nothing of my imprisonment there, except to point out that the Hootin' Holler holding cell is a relative Capella resort.

Oh yes, I will help to corner Farnam. For old times' sake, shall we say. Although if the sheriff would like to give me a pull on his whiskey whusky, I'll accept it. I could use something to cool my rage until the time comes.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Book larnin'

Handout provided to all members of the Hootin' Holler Book Club

Titles planned for this quarter:

Advanced Microbiology and Germ Warfare
Assassination Etiquette
How to Change Your Identity and Your Adversary's as Well
Chairman Smith's Little Tobacco Brown Book
The Care and Feeding of Secret Armies (Recommended by Luisa Smith)
Surgery With Half the Ethics and None of the Paperwork (Recommended by Agent LVN)
How Stella Got Her Groove Back (Recommended by both)

Monday, January 5, 2009

Jail and how to live it

Will this waddling walrus in the blue vest retain his ornaments. At this juncture, probably, yes. There are others who have expressed interest--unsubtle interest--in the position. None have made a compelling case that they'd be more useful to me in uniform, and all seem to be serving their own pompous self-regard.

What's that? I thought not.

Now I did briefly consider promoting Lucas--in my roundabout way--to the sheriff's office. But he has his hands full with the Missouri Border Raiding Party. And with being married to LVN, of course.

So, my ever-perspiring friend, your badge is safe for now. Know, though, that it can be taken from you at any time. As can your name, and either or both kidneys.